TO: My three children, ages 12, 9 and 9

FROM: The Dept. of Housing

THE ABOVE NAMED TENANT(S) MUST VACATE THE PREMISES,  EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.

PLEASE TAKE NOTICE THAT among the numerous grounds for eviction, you are in violation of the following:

1. Failure to Pay Rent
   Tenant(s) have not contributed a dime towards this household, save for that time someone’s wallet spilled out on the kitchen floor and they opted to leave the coins wherever they rolled (thanks so much for the gratuity). In addition, tenants have provided no assistance to electric and water bills, other than to ensure each stays so high that their landlord / father must drink heavily on a regular basis.
2. Disorderly Conduct
   Tenants have, on countless occasions, knowingly and intentionally engaged in fighting; made unreasonable noises even after being asked to stop goddammit or else; and disrupted a lawful assembly of persons whilst working, reading People magazine, or attempting to have five minutes of alone time in the bathroom. The above tenants have also disturbed the peace and quiet of others in the household by loitering, whining, and repeatedly screaming,“Maaaaa! He hit me!
3. Damage or Destruction to the Property
   Through above disorderly conduct and other reckless negligence, tenants have damaged or broken one table, two doors, three vases, six picture frames and your mother’s spirit. Regardless of our reclaimed wood mantel and my collection of cow figurines, you were NOT brought up in a barn, so why must you treat our home like one.
4. Breach of Landlord’s Rules and Regulations
   You have repeatedly ignored every household rule, including Section 666, Article 86: NO BALL IN THE HOUSE. Please note that the living room wall is not a basketball backboard, nor is the couch a soccer net. And I’ve told you a hundred times: your brother is not an end zone. Repeatedly hurling a football at his head also further violates Grounds B, Disturbance of Peace, and makes your dad and I wonder why we didn’t just get a dog instead—they can be muzzled.
5. Health and Safety Violation
   Do I really need to spell this one out? From syrup-smeared counters and toothpaste-streaked mirrors to muddy shoes kicked off wherever,  tenants’ living style is highly unsanitary. I have not seen your bedroom floors in months and am certain the wet towels left there have spawned alien mold spores. Plus, your repeated failure to flush toilets – leaving the remnants of last night’s burrito for all to see –that is clearly an environmental hazard. I called the Board of Health to come for an inspection, but they declined, citing possible bioterrorism – they’re worried they don’t have hazmat suits up to the challenge.
6. Theft of Property
   Tenants have misappropriated innumerable items, including my hairbrush, my stapler, 17 sharpies, all the scotch tape in the house and the secret stash of Godiva chocolates your father gave me for my birthday. In spite of that last infraction, you have also stolen any hope that I will ever fit into my skinny jeans again.

PLEASE LEAVE THE PREMISES AT ONCE. And please take the mountain of crap you’ve left all over this house with you. No, I will not give you a ride. You already owe me 520 tanks of gas, and I no longer wish to be your personal Uber. You can use your bike, skateboard, rollerskates, or that electric scooter you begged us to buy you that has been ridden exactly three times. If none of those options work for you, trying walking both ways uphill – that’s precisely what the hundred dollar Nike’s you also ‘had to have’ were designed for.

FAILURE TO COMPLY shall result in your father and I running away, changing our names and leaving you no forwarding address.

Per state law, I must provide you with RELOCATION ASSISTANCE, but fortunately immediate occupancy is available in either the treehouse or shed.

Should those living conditions not be suitable to your demanding needs, you can move in with Grandma. I’m sure she would be happy to have you. (At least until high school. That’s when she served me my walking papers).

Signed (with love!),

YOUR MOM

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